top of page
  • Writer's pictureRay Rosario


Updated: Apr 21, 2020

Being honest helps us face another common disease that stuns our growth, ability to trust, and inhale the love of one another in every capacity. There are many types and levels of insecurities. Some of us are great at disguising them. No more than clothing hiding our body’s insecurities and our skin hiding our internal ones. They are multi-layered. Each one is different according to the individuals. The one I will be referring to is the most common to couples.


Insecurities are a natural part of life. Everyone develops them due to experiences, peer pressure, the media, etc. We should not allow them to define us or dictate the structure of our lives. Insecurities are like weeds growing in a beautiful lush garden. If we don’t treat our insecurities, they will outgrow and infect the beauty that exists within us. It will spread from one area of our lives to another.

The depth of those insecurities and the amount of time we deal with them is up to us. Life will test us on all levels, especially when it comes to our capacity for introspection that ability to search deep inside of ourselves to figure out who we are as individuals. Life does this to build us up, educate us, and give us a deeper understanding of the work needed to strengthen our foundation with our own truth, to lessen the capacity to stray. It will allow us to understand how to listen to our instincts and understand why we exist as individuals.

If we cannot trust because of past experiences then we believe we do not deserve the best the next has to offer with love. Deserving the best is our choice and we should never settle. We have to allow it to enter our lives and accept it in order to move forward. We often let our past determine the outcome of our future. We do this by never take the proper time to heal.

We can start to claim happiness any time in life we choose with work. This freedom will allow us to encounter new relationships in awe. This level of happiness does exist. We tend to settle because we need to find instant gratification instead of taking the time to reflect, understand our actions and reactions, and stop blaming others. If we are in a healthy relationship and acknowledge this in time, our willing partner will stand by us and support all that we do. This will build a solid foundation of trust and love in the relationship. If we do not acknowledge it, we will destroy our partner and every chance of ever finding it with that person and experiencing love in its pure form, if that is your intent.

It is easier to settle than work on facing our fears. We then choose partners that are less threatening to our insecurities, partners that will not challenge us to fix or face our fears. We settle and never live life to its fullest potential. In time, we feel contempt. Love doesn’t truly bond such a relationship. A false sense of security allows us to live with our insecurities, because we surround ourselves with everything that will keep them suppressed.

We can willingly decide to encapsulate ourselves in a cage due to fears of being hurt. Insecurities will have us chasing someone who is not supportive of us. They just reinforce our weaknesses to keep us in our cage, a cage that we built ourselves or allow others to structure for us. This may occur because we happen to be weak or inexperienced with life at the time. Not healing and jumping from one relationship to another will keep us in a clouded state and allow us to keep leaving a trail of victims.

The mind is so powerful that it will create scenarios that never existed and instill them into our brain as a reality causing problems and issues, creating distance and space in the relationship. This combination will keep us in a safe place while keeping others at arm’s length never allowing anyone close enough to cause hurt or grow as a couple/individual. The more friction in a relationship, the safer we will feel. For some of us, this is the only way we know how to love and be loved. Vulnerability becomes the enemy.

In truth, vulnerability is the key to experiencing love in its true form. It will allow us to grow beyond measure and achieve personal greatness. Vulnerability can be very frightening. Who wishes to subject themselves to hurt? Vulnerability allows us to grow in every aspect. It allows us to reach out for help when we are at our lowest and in our darkest hour. We can be vulnerable without fear of being hurt or being taken advantage of. Becoming grounded and working on ourselves by Practicing LOVE will assist in taking down our walls so we can better communicate and share ourselves with the true individuals that we are, especially for us men whom seem to have trouble in this area.

We tend to think it makes us look weak, not a manly thing to do, it’s not prideful. It takes strength to be sensitive. It is about understanding and being strong enough to empathize with situations and support our women. Our pride and ego needs to be tamed and adjusted so we can evolve pass these stigmas. It will then allow vulnerability and sensitivity to complete us not hinder us.

By reflecting, we will gain the experience of hardship and start to look at gains instead of the losses. We gain the knowledge of having a better vision of ourselves as well as what we would like in our lives.  We will be able to see other's true colors before investing a major part of our lives and heart. Reflecting will allow us to see the signs and red flags before we are in too deep. It will then allow us to make an intelligent choice about continuing the relationship and how to proceed. We always have a choice. It’s about arming ourselves with information to make the proper decision.

There are times when we come across others in dating who do not know how deep their insecurities lie or if they have healed from the previous relationship. We can only assist and be supportive to them when the insecurities start to arise and affect the relationship. If they make little or no effort to address the issue for themselves, then there is nothing we can do. From that point on, we are allowing our partner’s projected insecurities to cause us harm and in return we protect ourselves and start to cause both them and ourselves harm. Most often than not, people became a product of their environment. Loving someone means being strong enough to let them go if we are causing them harm and are unable to heal or work on ourselves. The more we hold on, the more irreparable damage we are causing.  We need to move forward in our healing process. If we love someone on any level, then our actions are the outcome of how can we can enhance their lives not take from them with selfish acts or intentions. Loving someone is a responsibility not acts of recklessness created by selfishness. Some of us tend to think that love is what I can get out of this individual or situation not can I give or contribute.

Sometimes it requires professional assistance, someone who can view our situation from an objective point of view who is trained. The process of healing requires professional assistance if we are not able or strong enough to deal with this ourselves. Healing requires quiet time without putting up all the safeguards of distractions to avoid dealing with the true issue. Quiet time is about traveling into the reflective solitude state with your thoughts in order to process the previous relationship(s) and move forward. This is quite difficult to obtain at first. Big city minds have been programmed to work non-stop. We may give up at our first attempts to silence the mind but eventually will be able to accomplish it. We have to find a space or create the environment, if possible, to achieve this. I’m not referring to a super elevated place of Zen and lighting enough candles to burn down a city block. Just making the time and finding a place that reduces distraction near to nothing will work. One of the easiest places to connect is nature.

We can begin to process and think about our contributions to the relationship, re-adjusting so we can prevent them from future occurrences. Writing a list of our weaknesses and strengths when it comes to communicating in a relationship will allow us to build upon our weak areas in order to move forward in a positive direction. Recycled love without reflection and healing creates sleepwalkers with hollow hearts leaving a trail of victims reversing the role and becoming a victimizer.

Time and reflection will heal our wounds so we can see a clear picture of how we wish to live our lives and with whom. We owe it to ourselves first then we are capable of passing these life lessons down to children, family and friends. We then start to build and achieve personal happiness. With enough time and healing, we will be ready to engage in other relationships, both romantically and friendships. When we do decide to have exchanges, we are then sharing and giving our personal happiness.

We have all felt some level of insecurity at one time or another, big or small. At times we create a false illusion thinking that we are going to get into a perfect relationship without bumps and hurdles. Being secure allows for disagreements and hardships to occur without us running for the hills or leaving skid marks at the first sign of trouble. Surviving the hard times paves the road for a greater future together. It allows for us to process life and information from a healthy state of mind. We are able to figure out the source causing the insecurity, think it through, resolve it or bring it under containment. Not spiral down a rabbit hole without an exit.

Being in a relationship shouldn’t mean encasement, it should represent freedom. Freedom to still be who we are and grow with our partner as well as individuals. That’s a three-part component. It allows for trust to bond the love between the two not fear. It expands the level of communication so that we can understand each other through direct eye contact and energy at times with no words. It keeps the balance. It allows us to be strong and supportive when our partner needs it as our partner will return that love when we are down. The benefits of being secure are many .

If all goes well, insecurities will be a thing of the past. Similar feelings may arise in the future. By that time, we will be well equipped to handle them so they don’t cause us, family, friends, or partner harm and become uncontrollable weeds in a beautiful garden.

Published in ebby Magazine. Support the magazine @

78 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All



bottom of page